HR: And what would you say is a weakness of yours?

Me: Lindt truffles.


Me: Dr. Pepper.


Me: Redheads….?


HR: Get out.

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Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?


Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.


*son walks in with powered toothbrush*
thank GOD.


Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.


ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate


LOL there’s like 20 guys w/ “Female Body Inspector” windbreakers that’s hilarious they’re seizing my hard drive & business records LMAO


We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.


My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.