Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
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the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder