Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Scottzilla667

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

@muffathukka

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

@JaiWalker

*buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
*panics*
OMG WHAT’S THAT NOISE?
*son walks in with powered toothbrush*
*buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
thank GOD.

@FuckabillyRex

Stop talking about being sad. Use a bigger word like despondent so people will at least think you’re an intelligent cry baby.

@theguywitheyes

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

@Lakeoconeebldr

My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.

@UrplePingo

LOL there’s like 20 guys w/ “Female Body Inspector” windbreakers that’s hilarious they’re seizing my hard drive & business records LMAO

@HatfieldAnne

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

@karanbirtinna

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.