Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
HR: And what would you say is a weakness of yours?
Me: Lindt truffles.
Me: Dr. Pepper.
HR: Get out.
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do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”