@LosLos__

HR: And what would you say is a weakness of yours?

Me: Lindt truffles.

HR:

Me: Dr. Pepper.

HR:

Me: Redheads….?

*winks*

HR: Get out.

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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

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do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify

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I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

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I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

@Popehat

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Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

@lloydrang

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

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@Darlainky

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

@AlexvanBeek

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

@SerialFuckup

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”