Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@carlyken

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

@teenpuke

do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify

@pittdave13

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

@U_Want_Shum_M8

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

@Popehat

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

@lloydrang

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

@Darlainky

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

@AlexvanBeek

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

@SerialFuckup

Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”