hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
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Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
if a cop pulls u over play dead
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
And bowling should be called pinball
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long