Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
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I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!