HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
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i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Practicing safe sax
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
this makes me so uncomfortable
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.