Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
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actually overheard in ER:
nurse: “Who’s the president?”
patient: “Oh GOD.”
God I’m so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.
My phone never asks me to put my husband down.
Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it “MY way” you’d have added alcohol to your menu.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Me:*runs into woods* ahh I’m gonna get killed by the clowns
Clown: nah we just want to scare people
Me: oh. can u make an exception for me
Jesus dies and comes back three days later: he’s the Messiah.
But I do it and suddenly I’m “patient zero” and it’s all “oh god just kill it!” and “aim for it’s head!!”
“Every family on 2013 had ‘quite the year’.” – study conducted using Christmas newsletters