@click4amanda

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

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@MadamBetteNoire

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

@Kate_Hart

actually overheard in ER:
nurse: “Who’s the president?”
patient: “Oh GOD.”

@yonewt

God I’m so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.

@SaraMansford

Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it “MY way” you’d have added alcohol to your menu.

@AndyAsAdjective

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

@richardmarx

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

@roostermustache

Me:*runs into woods* ahh I’m gonna get killed by the clowns

Clown: nah we just want to scare people

Me: oh. can u make an exception for me

@deedles420

Jesus dies and comes back three days later: he’s the Messiah.

But I do it and suddenly I’m “patient zero” and it’s all “oh god just kill it!” and “aim for it’s head!!”

@kumailn

“Every family on 2013 had ‘quite the year’.” – study conducted using Christmas newsletters