HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
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god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Damn he played himself
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
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I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Overindulged this afternoon.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line