HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
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Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.