HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

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Cops: You were driving while intoxicated

Me: I was in no condition to walk


Top Gun was so unrealistic

Everyone knows Tom Cruise can’t reach the clutch on a motorcycle


[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.


I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.


Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.


Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…


My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”


roses r red

violets r blue

sunflowers r yellow

i bet u were expecting someting romantic but no this is just gardening facts


I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.


Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.