Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
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Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly