me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
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I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.