You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
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Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Phones down.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.