HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
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Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
getting groceries
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I am also baked goods
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.