HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?


Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?


Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?


Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.

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Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.

Explain yourselves.



3: *drops cracker, picks up cracker, starts to eat it*

Me: GIVE ME THAT! We don’t eat off of the floor here, this isn’t Target!


I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.


Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad


“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”


“I think it’s about time we had a white president”

– 8 year olds


I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”


Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone


Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.


The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath