HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
You Might Also Like
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Oh thanks BBC.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting