HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?


Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?


Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?


Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.

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It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.


75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.


[2 guys at open mic night]

What are we gonna name our band?

[from crowd] look at the one guys hair! LMFAO

*they look at each other*


[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah


[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.


*Making a cake*

Smarter than me 11: Daddy want the sifter?

Me: No princess, I can get a smooth batter by vigorously wisking.

11: omg Daddy, you seriously need a girlfriend.


safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor


“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”




“Get out!”




As an only child with a pet cat that bullied me, the pool cleaning robot was my closest friend.