It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
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75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[2 guys at open mic night]
What are we gonna name our band?
[from crowd] look at the one guys hair! LMFAO
*they look at each other*
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*
*Prius spins out of control*
I bet black unicorns have the biggest horns.
*Making a cake*
Smarter than me 11: Daddy want the sifter?
Me: No princess, I can get a smooth batter by vigorously wisking.
11: omg Daddy, you seriously need a girlfriend.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
As an only child with a pet cat that bullied me, the pool cleaning robot was my closest friend.