HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
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Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”