[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
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I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Boating season is upon us.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
his wife is probably gonna see that
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”