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HR: Do you want your name on the October birthday list?
HR: Why not?
Me: Because I’m not in Kindergarten.
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[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
“I’m not a fan.”
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
Happy Valentine’s Day! So what’s everyone doing with their cats tonight??