HR: Do you want your name on the October birthday list?

Me: Nope.

HR: Why not?

Me: Because I’m not in Kindergarten.

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If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)


[insect crime scene]

ant detective: do you have any suspects?

ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick


when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”


I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.


That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.


doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning


Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers


Happy Valentine’s Day! So what’s everyone doing with their cats tonight??