My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
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Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg