HR: Does anyone know what FMLA stands for?
Me: Fire My Lazy Ass?
HR: …
Me: I was gonna guess Lesbian Ass but thought that’s inappropriate.

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Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.


Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.



Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.


Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened


ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking


No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.


If your building doesn’t have an elevator and you don’t live on the first floor, we can’t date. I’m looking for a relationship, not a gym.


*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it


Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?