@Shock_Monster

HR: Does anyone know what FMLA stands for?
Me: Fire My Lazy Ass?
HR: …
Me: I was gonna guess Lesbian Ass but thought that’s inappropriate.

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@PorkUrPine

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

@ZackBornstein

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

@ceejoyner

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

@RealChrisCal

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

@fro_vo

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

@3sunzzz

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

@jwoodham

If your building doesn’t have an elevator and you don’t live on the first floor, we can’t date. I’m looking for a relationship, not a gym.

@ArfMeasures

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

@krisv_723

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?