Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
You Might Also Like
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.