HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
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me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
favorite tropes as memes
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
that de-escalated quickly
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing