HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
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“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.