HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

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That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.


*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*


Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*


Teacher: Who fought in the Civil War?

Millennial student: Captain America and Iron Man.

T: ….


Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine


I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.


*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!


PATIENT: Since I got this new job my feet are killing me.
DR DOG: What’s your job?
PATIENT: Mailman
DR DOG: *chases him out of room barking*


Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:

7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind


Can someone with a black suit and an umbrella watch my funeral from a distance so my family think I had something big going on in my life