HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
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Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe