@Shade510

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

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@Kali_Mura

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

@SingleGirlAlert

Nowhere is it more evident
That the middle finger
IS a suitable mode of communication
Than when driving to work

@apparentlysmart

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

@Paxochka

Now that Steve Jobs is gone we’ll never ever know why c**t autocorrects to Cynthia.

WHO WAS CYNTHIA?!?

@internetluke

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

@mom_ontherocks

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

@MarfSalvador

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

@Pappiness

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

@moxieblogger

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

@hippieswordfish

WAITER: what can i get you
ME: what do you recommend
WAITER: i recommend that you tell me what you want to eat