HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
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Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
A leaf blower, but for people.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”