Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
HR: know why you’re here?
Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter
Union: well..unsafe..but fired?
HR: the candy cutter’s name is Trish
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After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
My kids fought over their school bags touching in the trunk if you needed a reason to pull out.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even