HR: know why you’re here?
Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter
Union: well..unsafe..but fired?
HR: the candy cutter’s name is Trish

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Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss


After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies


[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning


It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.


My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.




Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*


Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.


*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.


My kids fought over their school bags touching in the trunk if you needed a reason to pull out.


Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even