HR: know why you’re here?
Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter
Union: well..unsafe..but fired?
HR: the candy cutter’s name is Trish

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ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely


Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?


Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”


At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.


healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok


Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he’s fat.


Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.


Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think


Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman