Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
HR: know why you’re here?
Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter
Union: well..unsafe..but fired?
HR: the candy cutter’s name is Trish
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Prisoner: *pulls out spoon shank*
Other prisoner: *pulls out toothbrush shank*
Me: *frantically sucking candy cane*
‘babe, i’m ready’ -says my wife, from the bedroom
‘be right there’ -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string
M: It’s a boat!
Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats
I burned 1000 calories by lighting my arm on fire
Called AA by mistake, those drunks can’t change a tire for shit.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Boss: Just spend the company’s money with the same discretion as you would your own.
Me: I understand.
*bankrupts the company
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.