@QuietPsycho

HR: know why you’re here?
Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter
Union: well..unsafe..but fired?
HR: the candy cutter’s name is Trish

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@Midgetspar

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[prison fight]

Prisoner: *pulls out spoon shank*

Other prisoner: *pulls out toothbrush shank*

Me: *frantically sucking candy cane*

@hippieswordfish

‘babe, i’m ready’ -says my wife, from the bedroom

‘be right there’ -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string

@MarfSalvador

[Desert island]
Me: JANE!
Jane: What?
M: It’s a boat!
J: HEEEEEEEEELP!

Me writing: Day 286, Jane is still scared of boats

@mrjohntofu

Called AA by mistake, those drunks can’t change a tire for shit.

@mom_ontherocks

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

@MissHavisham

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

@LackOfShame

Boss: Just spend the company’s money with the same discretion as you would your own.

Me: I understand.

*bankrupts the company

@slimmy_shady

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.