“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
You Might Also Like
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?