HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
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I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?