HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

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“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*


I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.


You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.


H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.


I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.


Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?


GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am]
GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you’re busted!
GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don’t BUST him holy shit


[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS


*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*