@WoodyLuvsCoffee

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

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@ItsAndyRyan

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

@GetCougarized

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

@DukEB51

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

@3sunzzz

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

@rhysjamesy

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

@Jake_Vig

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

@AbbieEvansXO

GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am]
GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you’re busted!
GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don’t BUST him holy shit

@AnOrangeSNES

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

@junejuly12

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*