[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
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[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
My life in a nutshell
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what