pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
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Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
It’s now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, ‘trophy wife’ has become rather ambiguous.
A mentally ill man shot himself in the head as a suicide attempt. The bullet cured his disorder and he became a straight-A college student.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you’ve told a woman she’s overreacting.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Heading out for drinks, bail money’s on top of the fridge.