@Shade510

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

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@eddie_ferrero

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

@alesiavsworld

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

@byrdie_num_num

It’s now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, ‘trophy wife’ has become rather ambiguous.

@UberFacts

A mentally ill man shot himself in the head as a suicide attempt. The bullet cured his disorder and he became a straight-A college student.

@LuvPug

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

@Boladayy

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

@rage_chaos

You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.

@AbbeYaar

You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you’ve told a woman she’s overreacting.

@Douchekevin

Heading out for drinks, bail money’s on top of the fridge.