HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
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I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
See..?
.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …