HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

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“Are you seeing anyone?”

Me: lately I’ve been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision.

Floaty thing: We’re just friends.


In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green


I don’t smoke to be cool, I smoke so no one asks me to hold their baby.


Bank Robber: Put all the hand sanitizer and the toilet paper in the bag and no one gets hurt

Teller: And the money?

Bank Robber: No thanks


* draws blood

Blood: No, no, no. That doesn’t look like me at all.


Me Pre-Kids: I’m never gonna lie to my kids ever.

Me with Kids: I just got off the phone with Santa, the firefighter dog from Paw Patrol, and the Green Power Ranger, and they all agree, if you don’t put your shoes on, they’re gonna have to put down another unicorn.


3 only answers to the name Ana (from Frozen) and before that she’d only answer to Sophia (from Sophia the First) and before that it was Peppa and it’s totally cool cause it’s not like it took my husband and I nine excruciating months to agree on a name or anything


him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still


ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again