“Are you seeing anyone?”
Me: lately I’ve been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision.
Floaty thing: We’re just friends.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
You Might Also Like
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I don’t smoke to be cool, I smoke so no one asks me to hold their baby.
Bank Robber: Put all the hand sanitizer and the toilet paper in the bag and no one gets hurt
Teller: And the money?
Bank Robber: No thanks
* draws blood
Blood: No, no, no. That doesn’t look like me at all.
Me Pre-Kids: I’m never gonna lie to my kids ever.
Me with Kids: I just got off the phone with Santa, the firefighter dog from Paw Patrol, and the Green Power Ranger, and they all agree, if you don’t put your shoes on, they’re gonna have to put down another unicorn.
3 only answers to the name Ana (from Frozen) and before that she’d only answer to Sophia (from Sophia the First) and before that it was Peppa and it’s totally cool cause it’s not like it took my husband and I nine excruciating months to agree on a name or anything
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Desperately trying to trick myself into doing some work
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again