HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
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My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff