@Mr_Kapowski

HR said it’s not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness

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@swaggiestag

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

@ieatanddrink

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

@madicrews8

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

@UncleBob56

Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?

Me: You sound like my wife.

@EricGoldie

Good news: I learned how to build a fire.

Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.

@Prof_BrianCocks

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?