@_Bad_Karma

HR says I’m no longer allowed to use Batman-style smoke bombs to sneak out of meetings because of some Health and Safety bullshit

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@crocodilethumbs

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

@longwall26

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

@ewfeez

Showed my daughter “The Karate Kid” and now she’ll happily do any manual labor if I just tell her we are “training.”

@UnFitz

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

@pittdave13

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

@WhatsHerFace33

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

@NoTheOtherJohn

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

@heapsOhate

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

@momowelch

Before Facebook I assumed all of our parents were good spellers.