[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
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Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”