HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
You Might Also Like
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning