HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
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NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.