I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
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~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
pilot: we’re about to crash
pilot: this wedding
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can’t go to college.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”