@WoodyLuvsCoffee

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

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@cjwerleman

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

@Dank_Pal

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

@theevilwriter

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

@Average_Dad1

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

@TweetPotato314

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

@dxblarssonENG

Bought a water at the airport and now one of my kids can’t go to college.

@FredTaming

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

@TheHyyyype

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

@djdarrellripley

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

@Cpin42

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”