HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
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Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I like crazy people until they notice me
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.