HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
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[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
War & Peace
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.