HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

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Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.


[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*


So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.



I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.


When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.


I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.


I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.


I had three girlfriends once and that was the worst recess ever.


My boyfriend just said “HEYYYY” and I yelled “MUST BE THE MONAYYYY” because I did not realize that he had just started a Zoom conference call.


*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool