@TheMichaelRock

HR: welcome to sexual harassment training.

Me *raises hand* I’m gonna leave.

HR: it’s mandatory.

Me: There’s nobody here I would harass.

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@RuthDavidsonMSP

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

@envydatropic

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

@ch000ch

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

@Okeating

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

@angeliav68

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…

@jnthnwll

Prayed over the 8-piece Chick-Fil-A nugget I bought, then opened the box and found 12 nuggets. This is my testimony.

@Audenary

Oscar Wilde: Always be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.

Liam Neeson: I will find them.

Wilde: Wait, I meant-

Neeson: EVERYONE

@KeetPotato

oh, so now star wars is the best thing you’ve ever seen, is it?
“yes, and?”
so you’ve forgotten about the time we saw a snake wearing a hat?

@E_lok44

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

@shariv67

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”