I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
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How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Perfect
¯_(ツ)_/¯