@TheMichaelRock

HR: welcome to sexual harassment training.

Me *raises hand* I’m gonna leave.

HR: it’s mandatory.

Me: There’s nobody here I would harass.

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@lilpwoppa

How come they only do that moustache oil for men? Sexism.

@RobElliottComic

When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who’s more pissed off and whisper “We can make it look like a suicide” and wink

@DumbConfessions

Her:”Let’s make a baby.”

Him: “Okay! Hold on.”

*goes to bathroom*

[5 minutes later.]

Her: “Where’d you go?”

Him: “You meant with you??”

@GrantTanaka

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

@PULPKetchup

First they came for the Fight Club members, but I said nothing, because…you know…rules.

@AdrianYoung10

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

@FaisalAdam_

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

@Michael1979

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of