HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
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When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
inside you are two wolves
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I’m not stressed
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up