@Rhythms_n_Booze

HR: You know why we called you down?

Me:Hm. Promotion?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to reporting a hacking.

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@jergarl

“Calm down” I suggested.

“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’M NOT CALM?” she carved in the side of my truck.

@HomeProbably

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

@Wine_Honey1

When placing an order online for a baby shower cake, make sure you’re not half asleep.

COPULATIONS! IT’S A BOY just confuses everyone.

@BreadFoster

I can’t wait until Taylor Swift breaks up with a black guy so she can put out a rap album.

@LittleMissAngr1

Elevator rides become way more exciting if you announce to everyone that only one person is getting out alive.

@R_2_PEE_2

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

@AristotlesNZ

Apparently, “Dude, that’s the best she’s EVER going to look” was not the type of objection to the marriage the priest was asking about.

@HatfieldAnne

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

@Davesub10S

Star Wars 7 is when they all realize that they are just Andy’s toys.