HR: You know why we called you down?

Me:Hm. Promotion?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to reporting a hacking.

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“Calm down” I suggested.

“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’M NOT CALM?” she carved in the side of my truck.


My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”


When placing an order online for a baby shower cake, make sure you’re not half asleep.

COPULATIONS! IT’S A BOY just confuses everyone.


I can’t wait until Taylor Swift breaks up with a black guy so she can put out a rap album.


Elevator rides become way more exciting if you announce to everyone that only one person is getting out alive.


[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-



Apparently, “Dude, that’s the best she’s EVER going to look” was not the type of objection to the marriage the priest was asking about.


Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]



Star Wars 7 is when they all realize that they are just Andy’s toys.