HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

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*holds up gun*

Bank: You mean money?

Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank


*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*


*interrupts parent & child on bus* Actually thats not true, Wolverine has died many times *they get up* Your mother cant shelter you forever


I’m having a green screen installed behind my couch, because, you know, I don’t ever feel like going out, but I wanna look like I do stuff.


I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem.

I threw my scale out.


SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]


now it’s the scientists’ turn to hide and the Higgs boson has to find them


Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.