HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
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If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.