*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!
Bank: You mean money?
– Pooh robbing a bank
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
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*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
*interrupts parent & child on bus* Actually thats not true, Wolverine has died many times *they get up* Your mother cant shelter you forever
I’m having a green screen installed behind my couch, because, you know, I don’t ever feel like going out, but I wanna look like I do stuff.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem.
I threw my scale out.
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I’m anti-thesaurus, for lack of a better word.
now it’s the scientists’ turn to hide and the Higgs boson has to find them
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.