HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
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Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I want what they have
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.