HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
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Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Tremendous stuff
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.