*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
HR: You said: You’re “moist” welcome?
HR: You’re fine.
HR: I meant: you’re fired. Autocorrect.
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Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
5yo: “Dad we don’t have a chimney. How will Santa get in?”
Me: Probably through my credit card.
My boyfriend got pissed because I didn’t swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Kids….because who doesn’t enjoy a fun game of “What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
DAVID BOWIE: We can be heroes!
DAVID BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: Oh. OK.
*bins blueprint for Batcave*