I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
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Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
you will never know the true number of layers
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.