@LosLos__

HR: You said: You’re “moist” welcome?

Me: Autocorrect.

HR: You’re fine.

Me: Sweet!

HR: I meant: you’re fired. Autocorrect.

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@bogadafet

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

@Smug_Lemur

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

@_troyjohnson

5yo: “Dad we don’t have a chimney. How will Santa get in?”

Me: Probably through my credit card.

5: what?

Me: what?

@MrsMikePatton

My boyfriend got pissed because I didn’t swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?

@ramblinma

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

@Ms_WhateverV

Kids….because who doesn’t enjoy a fun game of “What the hell is that smell and whose room is it coming from?”

@NotKarma

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

@beefman138

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

@Diversion50

DAVID BOWIE: We can be heroes!

ME: Great!

DAVID BOWIE: Just for one day.

ME: Oh. OK.

*bins blueprint for Batcave*