I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
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This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I think the only girl I know that hasn’t said “you’re like a brother to me” is my sister.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
You had me at “various dipping sauces”
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me: I spy something adopted.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
him: I like bad girls
me: [eating banana with peel on] I’m listening.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.