@stephenjmolloy

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

- @stephenjmolloy

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@dysondoc

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

@BuckyIsotope

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

@SarcasticSadOne

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

@ashleycrem

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

@Jeff_G_Nixon

3yr old: [whispering] I have a secret

“What it is, sweetie?”

3: [shouting] I POOPED!

“Do you know what a secret is?”

3: [whispering] no.

@better_off_dad

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

@TimFernholz

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

@theshamingofjay

No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn’t follow through on at the end of the year, I’d get married again.

@robesman

in 2016 if i walk in to your place and ask for the wifi password and you give me a paper with 26 letters and numbers i’m leaving