@stephenjmolloy

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”

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@Midgetspar

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

@cschleichsrun

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

@caseytduncan

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

@Dschnoeb

I think the only girl I know that hasn’t said “you’re like a brother to me” is my sister.

@MrMichaelSpicer

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

@rocknthepurple

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:9:”SCBamaMan”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3664939858/aebdc51cccec378baf7466d1a3ee10fb_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347903923488690180″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”65″;s:5:”tweet”;s:101:”*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@suumbal

him: I like bad girls

me: [eating banana with peel on] I’m listening.