Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
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me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
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This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
You sure about that?
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you