[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
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Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.