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@TheHyyyype: me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock] my wife: you're wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren't you me: look i didn't go to medical school like you did ok
@blind_phineas: I bet the best part of Jay Z's life was the brief period before he was married when he could say, "This is my fiancé, Beyoncé"...
@TheBoydP: If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
@JumbledButts: STEVE: "Wanna go star gazing tonight?" ME: "What is that? Like a sci fi movie?" S: "No we watch stars." M: "Wars or Trek?"