I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
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I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
How it started: How it’s going:
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t