me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.