Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
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[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Potatoes are just poor defenseless vodka fetuses.
Remeber that the next time you eat a french fry or hash browns, you monsters.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
If you play dumb with me, I swear to God I will play even dumber. HOW DARE YOU? I INVENTED DUMB
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!
PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!