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@notacroc

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

@bonehugsnirony

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

@shkeeber

Potatoes are just poor defenseless vodka fetuses.

Remeber that the next time you eat a french fry or hash browns, you monsters.

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

@ClichedOut

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

@LoveNLunchmeat

If you play dumb with me, I swear to God I will play even dumber. HOW DARE YOU? I INVENTED DUMB

@AndrewNadeau0

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

@SexySpacePrince

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!