asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
United Steaks of America
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.