Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
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I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.