there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
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Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Hey I worked for it too!
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I am never leaving this website
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.