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Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Listen, if I have to spend $14 for a movie ticket, I expect you to pause the movie when I have to go to the bathroom.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.