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@ericsshadow

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

@Super_Cynthia

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

@liv_thatsme

Listen, if I have to spend $14 for a movie ticket, I expect you to pause the movie when I have to go to the bathroom.

@brianbowman73

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

@thatdutchperson

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

@torrami

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.