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i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.


Outkast: Ok now ladies!

Me: Yeah??!

OK: I wanna see y’all on your baddest behavior!

Me: *slowly incurs $18.37 in overdue library fees*


Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you


[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd


I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.


When the zombie apocalypse comes, we’ll be the last to go because we never leave our houses.


In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.


Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.nnI nearly choked on my decaf double choc mocha latte.