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@kiralc

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

@eat_pray_liv

Outkast: Ok now ladies!

Me: Yeah??!

OK: I wanna see y’all on your baddest behavior!

Me: *slowly incurs $18.37 in overdue library fees*

@Jamberee13

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

@FredTaming

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

@THEDUTHCHESS

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

@TravLeBlanc

When the zombie apocalypse comes, we’ll be the last to go because we never leave our houses.

@GuyThe_Guy

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

@daplusk

Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.nnI nearly choked on my decaf double choc mocha latte.