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[first day on the job as a drug dealer]


“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*


Six inches of snow predicted tonight:
Is that twitter 6″ | |
Subway 6″ | |
Real life 6″ | |
Or Dan 6″ | | Cheesecake


Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.


At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.


Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.


Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”


I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt


Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?


I combined two hit games and made “Angry Words With Friends” where I just scream obsenities at people while throwing dead birds at them.