I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
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Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.