Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
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There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Saving my good tweets for marriage
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.